A blank map

I stopped posting here for a little while, because shit got real. I thought I had things to complain about before, turned out that I didn't. It was as if the universe said to me, "go on - I'll give you something to really cry about"

So now both Scott and I are jobless as of 31st January 2012. It looks like we're going to have to leave this city, because there are no jobs for him here. It makes me nervous, anxious. I'm trying to find some faith that we'll fall on our feet, somewhere, but I've been working at this hospital for so long, living in this city for so long...

You know what? It's not even that. It's the uncertainty of everything. What is going to happen? Will Scott sue the hospital? If he did, would it work? If not, WTF DO WE DO NOW?!?? I feel like there is a cyclone of uncertainty in my head. And it turns out, that I married my equal in avoidance - Scott just doesn't want to think about it. And I understand, really I do. But I know that my cyclone won't stop until we take some action.

And yet, speaking to my mother today, she seemed to think that I need to stop the cyclone, before doing anything else. Find the eye of the storm, take a deep breath, and let whatever needs to happen, happen.

For the second time this year, I find myself wishing that I wasn't responsible for making decisions. Because people, I got nothin'.

Actual Post

So its 1.30 in the morning, and I'm attempting to pull an all nighter. Scott is doing night shift tonight and tomorrow, and I figured if I stay up, then I'll want to sleep when he does, rather than being all pouty and or stabby when he understandably wants to sleep. I seriously am that petty. Not proud, just honest..

Tonight is our 2-year-aversary of "hooking up", for want of a more elegant term. Married for roughly 15 months. We got married in vegas, and conveniently lost the incredibly ugly wedding pictures taken there. You have no idea how much bitching about that I've heard from my family. Not the married in vegas thing, I think that was always how it was gonna go down, but the lack of photos. What is this - "screenshot or it didn't happen!?" Anyway, we renewed our vows in hawaii, and had some really nice professional shots taken. Nobody cares. Even a little. I suspect that if I had the original wedding photos people would have the same lukewarm reaction, because seriously, how boring are other peoples wedding photos? Still, perhaps our mothers will be happy.

I have a week off work, which is all kinds of awesome. I seriously needed it though, I was so drained. And maybe a little crazy. Actually, no maybe, I was a little crazy. Fear not though, the tide of crazy seems to have subsided, and I feel like a real human being. This is what annoys me though - why does my job make me *stop* feeling like a real human being? Its fucked up. My job has such freakin responsibility, and it seems mandatory to be a soul-less caricature of yourself. I'm not awfully good at not being myself, which is why I have these occasional melt-downs.

So my goal for the week is to try and be happy as much as I can be, even if its purely by being completely distracted from "real life". And also to be a bit nicer to Scott, who is starting to have this long-suffering look about him. Which is a total role reversal, I assure you. I am the freaking queen of long-suffering!!

It is nice to be back to myself. Reacquaint myself with me. Hi me!